Early in 2005 I was thrown onto the wild roller coaster called bipolar. It was two years before I was stable and I lost a lot--most painfully my purpose, my plans, and any sense I'd had that I could direct my life. I also lost some core belief that I was capable of anything at all.
In the fall of 2007 I looked into filing bankruptcy. God told me He didn't want me to do that, but to pay my debts. He told me it was time to get a job.
I was afraid, very afraid. I looked around a little and didn't see anything that moved me at all--and believe me I needed to be moved. After some time I told God I knew what He wanted from me and I hadn't done it--"could you please strengthen me to obey you?"
That afternoon Sabe and I went to the library for some books for school. When I was checking out I saw their job posting for a clerical aide. I rushed back to the table where Sabe sat and in a very shaky voice told her all about it. It would mean a change in our school schedule, but she thought I should apply for it. So I got the package and took it home and filled it out and took it back.
Then I waited. I knew I should be applying for other jobs but just couldn't move myself at all. After two weeks of this I again told the Lord I knew I should be doing something and "could you please strengthen me to obey you?" That afternoon the library called me for an interview.
Two weeks after the interview I was in the same place I'd been for over a month. I was so afraid. I had no core--no strength, no shadow of ability, nothing. I didn't think I could work a job and I was afraid that any pressure would put me back in a bipolar episode. I prayed and I cried and I cried and I prayed. When I finally dried my eyes, the library called. Did I want a job with them? Of course!
And that is how God pulled me out of my coffin of terrified inertia and back into life.
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